At the end of February this year, I had my first miscarriage (you can read more about it here). It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through and something I hoped I never would have to experience.
But, although it was physically, mentally, and spiritually hard, it brought me to a place where I could feel my Jesus’ presence. I knew He was right there with me (as He always is). I made the very conscious choice to praise Him through this storm. My anthem was the Bethel Worship playlist of “Good Good Father” on YouTube (linked here) and I played it over and over in my grief.
But even though I could feel the presence of God and I knew He held me safe, it did not change the fact that I was still in the midst of the storm…
I am naturally very self reliant, self-motivated, controlled, self-sufficient – you get the picture – but my grief left me feeling raw, broken, and like I had little control. My emotions, usually buried and in check, easily sprang to the surface and I found myself retreating into the safety of my home.
It was almost as if I was in a fog. I went through my normal routine. We home schooled, went to our extracurricular classes, went to church, and shopped for groceries, but I stopped doing anything that I did not have to do. I didn’t even realize it until several months later that I was operating in a fog for about three or four months.
I didn’t realize, until it started to lift, that I was experiencing depression. Looking back at the spring months, I realized how much I had retreated. I realized how little I had done with friends in that time. I generally am quite social and fill our calendar with play dates, Bible studies, and activities because I enjoy them, but for several months I retreated from most everything.
And honestly, when I realized what I had done, I was not disappointed. I knew I needed that time “off” to rest and recover and heal. Instinctively, I did what I needed for that period of healing in my life.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 NIV
Many people have told me that when they experienced miscarriage, the path to healing for them involved giving and investing in others. They spent more time focusing on others, more time away from home. And I can see why that would be important, especially if you don’t have children at home, but with three little kids at home and homeschooling, I think I was already giving enough of myself. The path to healing for me involved allowing myself to rest, to pull back, and to heal in the quiet and safety of my home.
I spent more time in the Word, more time in prayer and reflection, more time writing. I also found great comfort in Becky Thompson’s book Hope Unfolding: Grace-Filled Truth for the Momma’s Heart. Becky writes about her miscarriage and healing in the book and how she used praise as a weapon against grief. It is just one chapter in the book, but it played a big part in my healing. If you don’t follow Becky at Scissortail Silk on Facebook, you really should – I guarantee you will be blessed.
I finally feel as if the fog has completely lifted. It’s been over five months since my miscarriage and it took about four and a half to finally feel completely like myself again. It has been a process. And for a “do-it-yourself” kind of girl like me, it has also been a humbling experience. I would never choose to go through the pain of miscarriage again, but I know I am a stronger woman because of it and I can relate to those who have, or will, also go through one. And for that, I am thankful.
If you are going through something like this, or have in the past, I would love to hear from you and pray with you. Leave a comment below, or send me a private message on Facebook.